Slowly but surely I find myself surrendering. Letting go. I realize holding on to something that may or may not be rightfully mine, is detrimental to me in the long run.
Holding on so tightly to things that don’t belong to me end up doing much more harm than good and I’ve only recently begun to understand what this means.
It means me holding on to this dream of moving out of Cleveland damages my ability to see what could be. It means me holding on to the belief that just because I did things ‘right’ means I’m entitled to kids, a house, a perfect job, perfect mate, all those other things good Christian girls get when they don’t shack up before marriage. It means that me ignoring my gifts & talents while holding on to fear and staying at a job I really don’t care for slowly but surely kills my courage. It also means me holding on to what I think things should be doesn’t allow for me to go with the flow & accept that our plans, do in fact change.
My entire life (well basically since I was about 6 or 7) I have dreamt of leaving Cleveland. I hate to even admit it but I went to college not only because I love learning and I knew the earning potential stats of those without a college degree, but also because I just knew a college degree was my ticket out of Cleveland.
Midway through Cleveland, I met a Bronx native & fell in love. We both expressed our desire to leave Cleveland, and made plans to marry and leave as soon as we could. I assumed that me getting my degree meant we could leave. Only, it hasn’t been that simple. And it’s left me angry, disappointed, upset, unhappy.
But those were my plans. How to I know that leaving Cleveland is a God plan? Further more, how could I assume that just because I got my degree and I thought it was my ticket to leaving, that it meant I would be packing up my life and moving ASAP? If it’s God’s plan for not just my life but me and my family’s life (me and hubby), it will happen on His timing. In the meantime, I’m missing the beauty in being in proximity to my wonderful parents, my sisters, my nephews, and a host of other people. I have an opportunity to do some things, reach some goals…but in order to seize those opportunities…I must surrender and let go of my misconceived notions that I am entitled to anything and everything.
I must be willing to surrender, to let go. To seize opportunities placed in front of me. If I continue to attempt to maintain control, I will continue spinning my wheels in place, going absolutely nowhere. I will continue to go around in circles thinking I have it all figured out, not knowing God has something better for me. God is looking at the entire picture, His vision and foresight is far better than mine. I’m merely only able to see right in front of me and speculate on the future, while God can see years ahead of me and confidently shape me based on the future He has planned.
I’m letting go of my fear, shame, guilt, doubt, my story that I keep telling, everything. My story only tells where I’m going, where I am now…the story I know? Doesn’t include where I’m headed or how it will all end. My story is still being written. I keep trying to write the story but I’m not in control.
If you find yourself in a similar position, do yourself a favor and surrender. I don’t want you to waste time like I did, sitting up late at night, trying to figure things out. Go to sleep. Surrender. Wake up. Instead of having the next five years of your life planned out, surrender. You want an awesome story to tell your kids & grandkids?