Not really sure what to write about today, since I had some lows…that made me think…
Ever wonder what made you the way you are?
I can’t lie, my way is self-preservation, quite often. Which makes things complicated for people around me, who really care about me, and get hurt in the process.
Maybe that’s because there were many times growing up, I felt abandoned. Like nobody cared when I needed them to care. People let me down. People didn’t show up to things (and this happened every year). After awhile, I just kinda asked myself, why bother?
It’s not that I don’t care about others around me. I care about myself. Many times when I’ve put others first? Who was there for me when I needed them?
This is something I’m still working through, especially now that I’m a wife. Hubby has to remind me, that he’s there for me. And I’m MUCH better than I used to be. I still have selfish moments and make selfish decisions. But being married has forced me to think of we and not just me.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need to completely cast myself aside. But I do need to take into consideration, those who love me, and see things from their point of view. And that does mean, seeing past my hurt, all that has happened in the past, all of that, to say ‘that was then, this is now, how would this affect them?’
This was probably one of the more difficult posts for me to write, in which I’ve been incredibly transparent. But I had to write what I was thinking, how I was feeling. And acknowledge my selfishness. And admit that I want to change, I just don’t really know where to start.