There’s so much of my life that I haven’t understood, particularly in the thick of things.
But I know God’s hand is on my life.
I struggle in my writing for a few reasons. One, I worry about who will read it, and get the wrong impression. Two, I sometimes want to write in a more ‘secular’ tone.
I realize, I must be authentic, in all things. No matter who is reading, who understands, who doesn’t understand. I can’t lie, I sometimes hate being misunderstood.
But the cost is far too great not to be the Dei that God made me to be. And, I cannot pretend God isn’t a huge part of my life. I choose to live a life of love, in hopes of showing a God who loves unconditionally. I choose to write from my heart, and hope that people look beyond me to see God.
I am writing this, with a lot on my mind, as I prepare to embark upon one of the greatest journeys in my life, to pursue and answer the call to ministry, through higher education.
I am writing this as I prepare for this major life transition, not just mine, but my family’s transition. I wonder where this next season will take us. As I dream and research and inquire, I am gently reminded that it’s not about me.
Selfishly, I want the best for my family, who does’t feel the same way about theirs? However, as I look and reflect upon the pivotal moments that brought the greatest adventures and satisfaction in my life, it all started with a seed of desire to make a difference. Or a seed of desire to do something much greater than myself. And those seeds blossomed into a beautiful journey that led to where I am at this very moment.
But, I had to work through my moments of selfishness, my fears and worries and anxieties to get to where I am.
How many of us wander due to selfish desires, fear, anxiety over how needs will be met? We are afraid if we take a chance we will never get what we really want in the first place, so instead of making the trade of our selfish desires over the desires to do what is right in God’s eyes, we cling tight to our wishes, our dreams.
What if we boldly trusted, charging ahead to pursue the desires God has placed in our hearts?
What if we pushed past the fear and abandoned safe paths for adventures?
What if, we asked God where He needed us to be? And what if we went?
What if we told God ‘here I am, send me?’
I believe we’d be in for the ride of our lives.
I can recall the moments I KNEW I was sent by God, to certain situations that had I known the full extent, I would have run from. I can recall the exact moments I felt completely humbled by the fact that God decided to use me, in spite of my flaws, fears, anxieties.
It was the greatest feeling in the world.
What if we recognized those ‘God moments’? You know, the ones you knew were tailor made for your skillset, temperament, God-given talents and abilities?
If you’re at a crossroad and a major transitional period in your life, or you find yourself struggling to find your footing, your reason for waking up this morning, think back to the moment in your life where you were yourself entirely and loved what you were doing.
Remember that moment?
Place that moment above fear, anxiety, what makes logical sense.
And then dare to say ‘Where do you need me? Send me, I’ll go.’