I’m on the eve of my 30 before 30 (30 days before I turn 30) and as I sit here with writers block with a rough draft of my paper due Tuesday, I figured blogging would help me get through it.
Mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I am not who I was last year.
I hit some lows I thought I’d never hit. Dealt with depression, bouts of low self-esteem and struggled with doubts of who I was. I kept finger pointing to external sources to blame for the reason I was unhappy, despite being an excellent student, good mother, wife, daughter and friend.
Truth be told, it was ME all along.
I was too busy wishing I was something I wasn’t. I allowed other people to let me feel inferior. I focused on the past instead of being present in the moment and realizing how much of a gift it was. I concentrated on my fears instead of grabbing hold of reality and who I really am in GOD, who HE created me to be…absolutely brilliant, gorgeous, multi-gifted, trailblazer, creative, and unashamedly uncommon.
Part of last year was spent wishing I was like others. This year, I woke up and decided to celebrate being who I really am, being cut from a different cloth. And as I’ve begun to do that, I’ve realized, some features of who I am aren’t that uncommon at all. I’ve met others who love Jesus and trap music. Other women who can eloquently state why Cam Newton and his blackness is something many are threatened by…all while quoting his stats, where he went to school, and a football analysis of why he didn’t get robbed at the superbowl.
I am returning to the best of me…the me that rocked Keds in high school when everyone else had to wear the latest Js or Air Force Ones. The me that loved God with all of her heart…and didn’t feel bad about listening to ‘secular’ music. The me who knew that there was absolutely NOT another me, and that if the world didn’t get me, it would miss out on something absolutely amazing. The me who wasn’t afraid to dream and then go DO.
As I wrap this up and prepare to begin writing this academic paper, I wrote this post to say the following…
I want to apologize for leaving you behind. I should have never listened to the internal critic within myself that saw reality and didn’t bother to dream anyways. I doubted the fire within that would have propelled me forward.
But no regrets. Everything not only happens for a reason, but I have now learned that true love never dies.
My best friends can remember me with a pad and pen for as long as we can all remember. I was always writing a story or creating a novel on scraps of paper.Performing was also my favorite thing to do, whether it was praise dance or singing in church, or at school. I still remember the looks on everyone’s faces the first time I played Tonex in church (LOL) In college, the highlight of my collegiate experience, was my two first loves-writing/journalism and music.
I hate that I abandoned you. I thought that I could live without you. I thought that if I settled, I could be okay.
Boy was I wrong. And now I know…I found myself in you. With you, I can be who I’ve always wanted to be, who I was always meant to be.
Dear Dreams, I’m back like I never left. Except this time, I’m stronger, wiser, more fierce, and, together, we’ll get to the TOP. It was good that I went and dated other things..because now I’m back and ready to commit. There’s nothing else I want to see or do.
Journalism and Music…I’m back! Happy Valentines Day ❤
Let’s turn the page in this book and sing some new songs…I have no idea where this journey will take us but, let’s make this life unforgettable and everlasting ❤