This time period in my life, has been something else.
Lots of tears shed, for sure. Lots of awkward growing pains.
Lots of moments I’ve wondered why, but never doubted being in the right place at the right time.
I didn’t know becoming would feel so…crazy. I didn’t know becoming would involve SO many sacrifices. I didn’t know becoming would cause me to take some risks that didn’t make sense to everyone, to confront my fears, to allow emotions to flow.
The whole ‘still waters run deep?’ Has been me for so much of my life.
My inner life is rich, one that I’ve kept others out of for SO long. Everyone cannot handle your vulnerability. Everyone doesn’t have the capacity to handle your pains, your fears, your tears, your doubts, your dreams, your laughter in times of sorrow. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just that we were not really created to carry so much of others’.
But one thing I’ve learned is that we work through our own pain and baggage, and as we do that, we create more space within us that increases our capacity to love others. And so many of us are in that space of becoming, and we don’t always know how to release.
When you get burned? You are afraid. Afraid to love again. Trust again. Afraid to ask for help. And often it’s not the burn from strangers that hurts. It’s the burn from loved ones that hurts the most.
I mean, how was I supposed to learn to love and trust again when the people I trusted the most, burned me?
But they didn’t know they burned me. They didn’t know they were running, on fire, from people who burned them, they just know they ran from dealing with the pain they needed to deal with, and in doing so, they hurt others in the process.
I realize now, while writing this, I owe some an apology, while running on fire. I didn’t know at the time I was not really ready to deal with the pain I’d experienced. And often it wasn’t the pain I thought, or others thought.
Hurt people, hurt people, but it’s not an excuse to do it.
It is an excuse to extend grace, and to practice self-care, however.
I’m learning that as I forgive myself, I’m able to forgive others. As I extend grace and love towards myself, I’m able to extend the same towards others.
Becoming isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
Becoming the best Dei, is an ongoing process. It began several years ago, and this move has profoundly impacted how I see the world, both inside of me and out of it. It has changed the way I feel, the way I process, the way I let others in, as well as the way I keep others out. It has changed how and when and who I draw boundaries with.
I am becoming me, still. I didn’t know it would be SO intense. Even though I may be pretty talkative, I still process within FIRST before sharing with others. Most often, I may not share with others, and if I do, it’s with a select few, that I can usually count on one of my hands. And I hate to admit it but this isn’t always family.
There’s so much more I want to write but for now, I will end this by saying, as we all become, at different paces, I hope we are sensitive to the fact that everyone’s becoming looks different. I also hope we can extend grace towards others, but draw boundaries when necessary and show love and extend grace to ourselves first and foremost.
Oh and this picture below is a beautiful reflection pool I found here in Houston…represents peace. Calm. Stillness. For myself. Find whatever that looks like for you in the midst of becoming for now. It may change over time. Be okay with that.