A New Mother’s Intuition

I’m a new mommy! My son (he’ll be called kiddo until further notice) was born July 6, 2013, at 9lb 2oz…and he’s my pride and joy!

Kiddo has quite a personality already, and I’m so in love with him!

People have been super supportive and helpful, which has been great as a first time mom. And also sometimes, frustrating.

I told Kiddo when he was still in utero and shortly after he was born, that mommy doesn’t have it all figured out, that i will make mistakes as i figure things out, but that we’d get through it-together.

That being said, i’m dealing with what all first time mothers have had to deal with at some point-unsolicited advice. I realize people think they’re being helpful, but, i like to learn by trial and error. Not to mention, I’m developing my intuition as a mother, and getting to know my son.

And yet I’ve politely nodded my head and smiled or affirmed my choice to do what i felt was best as a mother, already when folks decide to tell me how long to breastfeed, when to take him out, other things.

I definitely appreciate everyone being helpful. I do. I’m just desiring freedom and space to figure things out as a mother.

Posted in Cleveland, Education, Faith, higher education, Life, Married Life, Relationships

Time to Fly

I’m such a chicken…I can go literally ANYWHERE in the country for grad school and I’m afraid to go TOO far from my family and in-laws but I’m too scared to fly from the nest…or at least to fly too far away. Every time I’ve gone somewhere unfamiliar, I’ve always ran back to safety, to my comfort zone. Never mind the fact that I wasn’t always happy there.

When I left for Hampton at 18, not only was I dealing with depression, but I was also dealing with homesickness. I was over nine hours away from home. I had plenty of resources available to me that I could have taken advantage of…counseling, TRIO, I had 2 ‘big brothers’-upperclassmen who adopted me as their little sister & had taken me under their wings.  I opted to go back home instead and deal with depression near my family.

Fast forward three years, I was over 18 hours away when my grandmother passed away-I was in Southwest Louisiana for Alternative Spring Break, and my beloved grandmother was on her deathbed, and I knew it. We all knew it. I remember wanting to stay home instead of doing ASB that year…my mother urged me to go, because I couldn’t prevent anything from happening. And she was right. And just like I feared, I ended up getting that call that my grandmother had passed away, while I was down south. It was incredibly hard, but thankfully, I wasn’t alone.

Why am I telling these stories? Because they have everything to do with me being afraid to leave the nest. I’ve been talking about leaving my hometown ever since I was a little girl. And I’m scared to leave home. Scared to leave my family and the only city I’ve ever known. Scared that I will have trouble making friends wherever I end up next. Scared that hubby & I will have trouble finding jobs. Scared that I will fail and end up back here.

I seem to forget that the times that I DID step out of my comfort zone? Yes it was scary…but it all worked out. And I always had the time of my life. Including this current job now.

I really do need to step out of my comfort zone with graduate school, and trust that everything will work out, because it will. I think also, I stay here in town, not expecting things to change, but they do, and they already are changing. Life goes on, whether you are ready or not, and I’m finally realizing that, as I watch all of my friends step out of their comfort zones and do amazing things. It’s time for me to do the same, to face my fears, and not only survive, but thrive.

It’s time to leave the nest, it’s time to fly. Wherever we land, everything will work out. Might not be smooth sailing at first, but things will work out. And best part is, I won’t be alone this time-I’ll have my husband by my side. In the words of my wise friend/sis ‘yes we definitely need to face our fears and get out of our comfort zone, because GOD knows where he wants to take and place us, we just have to put that trust in Him.’

Posted in Life, Married Life

Panic! At my house

So yesterday morning I ended up at the ER scared outta my mind, short of breath, shaking, light headed, heart quickly beating…I didn’t know what was going on. I just know I didn’t wanna die.

Turns out it was a panic attack. They gave me some medicine to calm me down and it helped.

What triggered it? I’m not sure I could tell you. I went to bed normally, and next thing I know, before I could even fall asleep, I was having a panic attack that lasted over an hour. No bueno.

I was at the ER two hours before I was finally feeling better and went home. I went and slept for hours and had never been more grateful for sleep.

I’ve been reminded on a regular basis how fragile life is and it scares me sometimes. But life must go on.

My husband has been GREAT. He has been my rock, he didn’t fully know what he was getting into when he married me. He reassures me all the time and encourages me to not worry as much, to live life and enjoy my family.

My family is concerned and rightfully so. But I want them to know, I’m good. I’ll be better!

I turn 26 in a few days and I’m EXTREMELY grateful to see another year of life! I’m looking forward to celebrating another year of marriage with my husband in July and starting a family. Life is good and I don’t take it for granted at all. I’m truly blessed & fortunate.

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