Posted in purpose, Spirituality

Letting Go

Life isn’t happening to me, it’s happening FOR me. And as soon as I realized that, life really began to open up for me.

Sitting here writing this as I reflect and think on my journey, to every moment that led me to this current present state.

The older I get the less I realize I know.

The older I get the more I’m learning to surrender.

I’ve got a secret. Or maybe it’s not a secret.

But I, up until recently, was a control freak. And it damaged alot of relationships and ruined some good things. Well, I don’t know if I believe it ‘ruined’ anything. What I do know is, I know a different way now.

I used to think that if I didn’t make something happen, that it would never happened. I often wanted and pursued things out of desperation and lack. When I did this, I chased away the very thing I wanted and often settled for something that either wasn’t a match to who I really was, or it wasn’t entirely what I wanted but ‘good enough’ was better waiting on that thing that was just right for me.

The thing about ending up somewhere less than where we want to be is that we never let go of the desire to be where we really want to be. And as we move closer to that, anything that isn’t aligned with that desire, has to fall away. That in itself isn’t always a pleasant experience.

But in it, we learn to let go. To surrender. To not force anything that doesn’t feel right. And we know when something doesn’t feel right. We vow not to do anything that isn’t aligned with what we want.

We vow to let go. To take our hands off everything and let God do His thing, work His magic.

Faith is believing in something we cannot see.

Faith is letting go of desperation, of anything less than trust in our deepest desires.

Faith is letting go and letting God.

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Posted in Faith, higher education, Life, purpose, Religion

No Regrets on Purpose

“If you could go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be?” is a common question asked on a regular basis on a variety of different platforms and situations.
My answer? Nothing. Because the smallest change could literally change the course of my entire life.

My freshman year I [briefly] attended a HBCU in Virginia. And while now, I look back on my experience and time there fondly, at the time I was depressed, homesick and unhappy while I was there.

Years later I am able to set aside the depression I experienced and remember mostly the valuable lessons I was taught there, both in and outside of the classroom. Those lessons stuck with me and even shaped me into who I am at this very moment.

Leaving that school was devastating, as I looked at it as coming home empty-handed. No college credits under my belt, no degree, nothing. Just feelings of failure and embarrassment as I enrolled at the local community college.

But who knew that in the moment of my despair, the foundation was laid for my personal and character development? Who knew that depression I went through would strengthen me and position me to encourage others later on? Who knew coming back home would lead to even greater opportunities, meeting my husband, and discovering my passion for education?

God knew. Just like He knew in the Old Testament story of Joseph, that Joseph getting sold into slavery by his own brothers, being imprisoned and punished, would set him up to be one of the highest ranking officials in the country, putting him in a position to save his family’s life during a famine, one of the worst ever.

I’m sure Joseph never saw any of that coming. But I’m sure if he were alive today and you asked him if he could go back and change anything in his life, his answer would be the same as mine.

“Nothing.”

And how do I know this?

Genesis 50: 20 told me so.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

You may have lost a loved one. Or some friends. or a job. You may find yourself in a situation you never expected to be in. But God allowed it to happen. It all has a greater purpose.

You losing your job led to a career change, or allowed you to be able to take care of a sick relative. Losing friends allowed you to make new friends, appropriate for the season of life you are in now. God knew what you needed before you did, before you even opened your mouth to ask Him.

Your pain, your frustration, has purpose.

God is interested in our happiness, our success, our triumphs, absolutely He is. But He is more concerned with making us like Him. And whatever He has to do or use to do that, He will.

Take comfort in knowing that God wants you to be the very best version of you possible and He will bring you to unexpected places so that can happen. Trust that God knows better than you or any of us ever will.

And in times of trials, frustration, devastation, despair…know there is a purpose, a reason for it all.

Posted in Uncategorized

It Takes a Village

so in a matter of weeks, I will be stepping into motherhood officially. we are not far at all from our son making his entrance into this world…and of course naturally, I’m feeling a variety of emotions about labor and being a mother in general.

Scared is not one of them. I know I’ll make mistakes, I know I’ll do a lot of earning by trial and error. But I’m not scared, because, I’m not alone. I have my husband, I have my family and his…we have a village. And no matter what others say or believe…I am proof that it does indeed, take a village.

Perhaps I need to use that same logic when it comes to my career and every other area of life. It really does take a village.

I’m more excited, anxious than anything. I’m expecting those sleepless nights, probably because I don’t get much sleep now in these final weeks. I’m expecting to initially not know why he’s crying. I expect that we’ll be learning each other-him learning K & I, us learning him. But I’m also expecting to watch him sleep with a smile on my face (and then promptly fall asleep when he does lol). I’m expecting to fall in love with him to the point of being consumed by it. I’m expecting to proudly show him off and simultaneously be selfish with him, not wanting to be overwhelmed with people who will want to meet him in those initial weeks. I’m excited. Anxious. Not scared. Not worried.

At this point I’m thinking more about my career path. about where I want to be, and how to get there. and when. But I’m realizing, that will all take care of itself. I just need to take opportunities when presented to me, and just take things one step at a time. 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Life, Religion

Faith & Life’s Meaning

What are we living for? I mean really? What does it mean to be a Christian??

I can say that in some ways I feel lost. In other ways-I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be: in the world not of it.

I spent most of my childhood in church. I was taught how to get blessed, what sin meant, how to live a life pleasing to God, etc. and most of it involved following a set of rules. You can’t do this or that. We don’t believe in this. Those people over there? Yea they’re going to hell.

How can we be so sure?

My life altering experience is two-fold. The first comes from my visit to a seminary during my senior year of college. The Christianity I encountered there was NOTHING like I grew up with.

It was loving. It was inclusive. It was mind stimulating and didn’t require me to check my brain at the door. It was…refreshing.

When I returned home to my large mega church I’d never felt more empty.

I slowly began to disengage from church until I was no longer attending. I wanted more. More than just a show on Sundays rooted in emotion. I had questions I wanted answered but wasn’t in an environment I felt would welcome them.

I understand the African-American tradition is a rich one, full of history & heritage dating back to the days of slavery. How could I reconcile my faith with what I saw and experienced on a regular basis? I felt like an outsider in a community that claimed to be loving.

My other experience is an ongoing one…meeting people who love and follow Christ’s teachings but aren’t linked to a specific local church community. They’ve shown me what love REALLY is. Moreso than people who self-identify with Christianity.

Life isn’t meant to be lived inside of this Christian bubble we insulate ourselves in. Life is meant to be lived OUT, to share our lives with others. To be present with them in their times of struggle, to not just say ‘I’ll pray for you’ and then walk away, but ‘I’ll pray WITH YOU, let’s do something about it together.’

There’s so much I could write about it, but in my ‘wilderness’, I’ve learned so much about what it means to be human and love God, love people. More than any sermon I’ve ever heard.

I am still learning what it means to have faith in a world that can easily cause you to lose faith in humanity. I have faith. I have not lost hope and pray that I never will.

Posted in Life, Married Life

Panic! At my house

So yesterday morning I ended up at the ER scared outta my mind, short of breath, shaking, light headed, heart quickly beating…I didn’t know what was going on. I just know I didn’t wanna die.

Turns out it was a panic attack. They gave me some medicine to calm me down and it helped.

What triggered it? I’m not sure I could tell you. I went to bed normally, and next thing I know, before I could even fall asleep, I was having a panic attack that lasted over an hour. No bueno.

I was at the ER two hours before I was finally feeling better and went home. I went and slept for hours and had never been more grateful for sleep.

I’ve been reminded on a regular basis how fragile life is and it scares me sometimes. But life must go on.

My husband has been GREAT. He has been my rock, he didn’t fully know what he was getting into when he married me. He reassures me all the time and encourages me to not worry as much, to live life and enjoy my family.

My family is concerned and rightfully so. But I want them to know, I’m good. I’ll be better!

I turn 26 in a few days and I’m EXTREMELY grateful to see another year of life! I’m looking forward to celebrating another year of marriage with my husband in July and starting a family. Life is good and I don’t take it for granted at all. I’m truly blessed & fortunate.

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